I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
