please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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