you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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