I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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