don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sext me about skeletons
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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