i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
