I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
