Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
