I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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