The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
