I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
