I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
sarcasm needs its own font
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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