Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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