I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
