if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i drank out of a bidet.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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