I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
