I will die if light touches me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
