Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
