his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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