So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
