i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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