It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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