hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Mom said you looked used
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
