I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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