He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
