I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
