i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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