She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
