shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
