This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
