So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
