I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
