Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
