i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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