Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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