I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
