I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
