my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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