Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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