gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
