Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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