either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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