I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
