I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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