Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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