hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We don't watch enough power rangers
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Drunk is not a location!
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