This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
