You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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