I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
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i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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