Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
