If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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