just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
