Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
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The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.