Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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