just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
