he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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