Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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